Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
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Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Remember folks 😂
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Bike for sale
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted