Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
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Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
channeling her this year
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑