Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
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Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
But that’s none of my business
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Can. I. Help. You.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.