Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
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Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Spring of Deception
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*