My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
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I put the h in mysterious.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?