Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
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*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
this could fix me
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate