Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
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[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?