“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
shit just got real
Actually cracking up @ this
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.