Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
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if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.