I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera