I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
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When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
This is my pinned tweet
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.