Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
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I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.