I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
are they though??
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
sugar glider wrangler
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped