@Social_Mime

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

You Might Also Like

@Home_Halfway

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

@mompsychologist

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

@NYC_Blonde

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

@diaruba74

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

@Contwixt

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

@2tonbug

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

@IAmKatieOrr

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

@theshantilly

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

@iporem

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

@Jenny4ashley

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂