SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
For “Mean Tweets”
Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂