I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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May never get over this
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Happy Caturday!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I need to update my racial profile.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.