I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE