Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
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Bond. Trauma bond.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s