Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.