My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
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[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.