Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
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The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*