@BriarSlyMalice

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

You Might Also Like

@shutupmikeginn

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

@Darlainky

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

@Brianhopecomedy

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

@psybermonkey

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

@AmericanGent69

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

@capnwatsisname

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

@thefosterer

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

@protolalia

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.