Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

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I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me


“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.


I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.


Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine


Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands


Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.


me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter


I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity


I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.