Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?