@shutupmikeginn I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
@BriarSlyMalice Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
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@shutupmikeginn 
@Darlainky “Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
@Brianhopecomedy I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
@psybermonkey Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
@samalmightysam I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
@AmericanGent69 Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
@capnwatsisname me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
@thefosterer I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
@jackiembouvier Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
@protolalia I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.