Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
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I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Liquor Store Parking
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
The Friday File.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.