Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)