You Might Also Like
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Discuss
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
you gotta be faster
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.