[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
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Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My dog learned how to text
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.