My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
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If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Well, that didn’t work.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.