Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better