Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
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The 6 types of sex
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[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Love is always patient and kind.
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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.