Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same