Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.