My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.