Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep![]()
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I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.