daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
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Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I’d hang this in my house.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave