Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*