I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
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Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)