If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
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live, laugh, laundry.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?