Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
You Might Also Like
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde