“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
You better watch out
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
The pen is writier than the sword.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)