GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
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[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
We’ve all been there…
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life