GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.