Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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oh you like architecture? name three walls
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Shark week, but for squirrels.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.