Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me