“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.