There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
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A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.