*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass