“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
bout dat hot dog summer
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater