I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
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Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Damn he played himself
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else