I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
You Might Also Like
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?