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I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I’m tired tomorrow.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.