*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
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This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN