The “baby” on the left….
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday