Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
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Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.