Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
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do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.