Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
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[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Guantanamo Bae
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Every work meeting this week
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.