Guantanamo Bae
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Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“no gods no masters” = leo
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.