Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
You Might Also Like
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.