Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!